idk how 2 delete it... hmmm... kt knows... hey, kt, when u read this, post me a comment telling me how 2 delete my entries por favor.

so i was angry last night & i wrote a poem. it's upstairs. i suppose i'll go get it so i can put it on here. while i'm gone, getting my notebook from upstairs, u should leave me a comment w/ a title 4 my only untitled poem. i need a name 4 it! k. i'm going now... ugh...
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k. i'm back. so here it is:



LIKE YOU

You want me
To be like you
How you were, I should be
What you did, I should do
I'm below my potential
Only until
I'm like you

You think that put-downs
Will keep me from being
A let-down
That challenges will make me win
That questioning my ability
For anything
Will make me rise and fight
Become strong
Prove you wrong
But it makes me want to hide

It's unbearable to hear you plead
When you silently yell,
"Be like me!"

You say you never want to see
The mistakes you made
Be made by me
"Never get high, like I was
Never drink, like I did
Never think that just a buzz
Is okay for just a kid."

You're terrified that I'll become
The teenager you were
Everything you do
Tries to prevent the one
Thing that could occur
So many "don't"s and "no"s
How many "please"s?
Or "why"s?
It almost makes me wonder,
Should I maybe try?

All among the silent scream
A deafening plea,
"Never, ever be like me!"

mood: poetic & angry

every1 says i would be a really good mom. & i love kids sooo much...
kt & i used 2 say every once in a while that we never wanted 2 have kids bcuz we didn't ever want our children 2 dislike us as much as we disliked our parents sometimes.
but now i think that i don't want 2 be a mother bcuz i never want 2 make my child feel as horrible about himself or herself as i feel about myself right now.
it would break my heart 2 c any1 else feel this way. & then if it were my own kid... & then if i were the 1 who made them feel this way...
i never wanna do that.
i think i should write a letter 2 my possible future children telling them that i'll mess up & i'm sorry in advance. & i'll tell them how i feel now. that way, they can no that i've been where they would be whenever they read the letter... & they could show me the letter if they ever feel like i'm not understanding them. that way i could be reminded of wut it's like 2 be a teenager. & then if i'd actually be able 2 listen 2 my teenage-self in that letter, i'd be able 2 be a much better parent than any that don't remember wut it's like & there4 have no way 2 understand their children.

mood: way low

so 2nite was fun... we went 2 in&out. meh. chocolate milkshakes = good... everything else there = bad. so i got a chocolate milkshake. it was good.
i already said that, didn't i? yeah...
anyway... then we went @ bought potatoes, w/ pennies. sarah, (blonde) kim, & natalie bought 1 @ scolaries for 13 cents, & then kim, natalie & i bought 1 @ winco for 11 cents. they were cute little red potatoes & we were just being random. & it was fun & giggly.
then we went 2 the park & played lava monster on the jungle gym. sooo much fun. : ) & v. scary... i screamed quite a bit... i'm a screamer... lol...
& that was pretty much it...
i took sarah home & on the way we kinda got in2 a heated argument, but we're cool now... so that's good.
& now i'm @ home. w/ kim sleeping in my room, natalie watching sinbad downstairs, & me talking 2 mike on myspace & wasting time on here, waiting 4 him 2 reply 2 the most recent message i sent. tee hee...
oh, & eating chinese food. can't 4get that. chinese food = good also. mmmm... wow... i'm a fattie...
wow... this is taking a while... i feel way more impacient (sp?) than i should be... he's read it, but hasn't replied yet... :' (
anyway... wut else is going on...? hmmm...
there's a halloween party 2morrow night. i'm sooo excited 4 it! yay 4 costumes! heck yes! : ) i can't wait... & then i have another one 2 go 2 on saturday night. yay again.
& i get 2 spend time w/ mike. that's always a plus...
well, i think that's everything that's going on right now... mike already replied & i replied again. so now i'm waiting again. fun stuff...
shane just got back from seeing the saw III w/ kt & billy. then he stole the computer from me. so i went 2 watch sinbad 4 a little bit... i realized some symbolism that i'd never noticed b4... 4 mirena (@ least i think that's her name...), the ocean represents freedom, beauty, a full life of happiness... & land was the oposite, responsibility, obligation, a restrained life of emptiness. everything about the land came 2 that meaning, & everything about the sea came 2 its own also. even the men. she had 2 choose between duty & love, her head & her heart. & she found that she was in love, not only w/ the sea, but also w/ sinbad, whom the sea symbolized...
k. done ranting & raving about the cartoon now... lol...
2day i was reading my book (This Lulaby, sooo good!) & i was writing in it, & i wondered how many of the things i was analyzing were actually true from the author's experience. i was analyzing the way the character was living & thinking & acting... & i wondered how weird it would be 2 analyze life. i mean, i no i kinda do that already... but wut if i wrote an autobiography (i no, it probably wouldn't be v. interesting, but 4 the sake of argument, let's just say that it is), & published it as fiction... would some1 analyze it? would some1 actually annotate my life? & wut would they c there?
hmmm...
k. done going on about randomness now... especially since now i have aim 2 keep me occupied while i'm waiting 4 myspace messages.
so yeah... bye now...

mood: tired

so if u decide that some1 is the coolest person in the world, & that person says some1 else is the coolest person in the world, who is?
it all comes down 2 whose opinion u trust more: the "coolest person in the world's," or ur own.
on the 1 hand, this person is, in ur opinion, the coolest... & there4 u'd respect their opinion. as in, "so-&-so says that so-&-so is the coolest person & they would no, so i'm gonna believe my so-&-so & i will now follow the next so-&-so."
but on the other hand, if u truely believe w/out a doubt that ur person is the coolest, nothing will change ur mind, even the person himself/herself.

so here's this week's hump day question:
do u trust ur own belief enough 2 stand by it no matter wut any1 else says? or will u allow urself 2 be swayed based on wut some1 else thinks?

mood: contemplative

so if u look @ the mood on my last entry, it says, "y is there no emo smiley." & i've realized y. bcuz emos don't smile. so it wouldn't be a smiley, it would be a frowny. or some other lame name (poet & i don't even no it) like that.
anyway... i was looking back on all my entries & i really have a sad amount of comments. i hate 2 be a nag, but really, if u read an entry, lemme no wut u think of it. it's really not that hard. u must have some reaction 2 it, all u have 2 do it type it. plz...
& i still need a title 4 that 1 poem.

we had a fundraiser 4 the choir 2nite. it was fun. but i really, really, REALLY wanna be a part of that jazz choir... sooo badly...

mood: wishful thinking sux grapes

oh, yeah. & i 4got 2 mention something else mi madre said this morning. i got there & she had my coffee 4 me (we were meeting @ starbux after she dropped stef & sky @ school) & i asked her if i could get something 2 eat. she almost acted as if she hadn't heard me & just said, "oh, try ur drink. i got it non-fat. try it, i'm sure it'll taste just as good. there's so much fat & so many calories in those things." so i decided i didn't want anything 2 eat any more.
i almost just skipped lunch 2, but i didn't... this 1 post secret post card said, "i envy the will power of annorexic ppl." when i read that, i thought, "yeah! me 2..." i'm so pathetic i can't even will myself 2 just, not eat.
meh.

mood: y is there no emo smiley?

so, (surprisingly) my mom didn't ground me or anything... she just told me that she couldn't make my decisions 4 me: they r my choices, it's my life, & i'll be the one 2 ruin it if i keep making bad ones.
yeah.
she thinks i'm trying 2 fill a void. she thinks that i can't take responsibility & i want nothing but fun bcuz i'm missing something & i'm trying 2 fill it w/ wutever i can.
duh, mom. thx 4 noticing now. @ least a year after the void came about. about 7 months after i really started trying 2 fill it w/ meaningless fun that only filled up my time, not my life.
yeah, notice now. when u think u no y. when u think u no wut's going on w/ me & u get it all wrong.
i thought 4 a while that my dad got it. i still think he does, he just doesn't show it as much. & every once in a while he connects the dots a little wrong, but no 1 can be expected 2 understand everything about a person... @ least my dad gets me 4 the most part.
my mom is mostly clueless.


sorry i'm being all emo. i hate how much i sound like such a typical teenager right now.

i read my My Name poem & my untitled poem (the 1 about mike) in Poetry Club 2day. both of which r already in here. & i really want a title 4 the untitled 1... i was thinking about calling it An Improved Replacement... or something...
i need help naming it.
comments. i need comments. w/ suggestions.

i'm gonna go do hw. gah. dreaded hw.

mood: gah. i'm emo.

k... so i'm about 2 go & talk 2 my mom. confessions time.
wish me luck.
(& when i say, "wish me luck," of course i mean, "pray i don't die.")

mood: scared

so i'm officially done w/ tennis.
i decided.
there's no point in trying 2 get a scholarship. i probably wouldn't get it, which would waste all the time in trying 2 get it... if i did get it, i'd be miserable doing it... & really, the only reason i would continue in it, was 4 the scholarship. how much sense does it make 2 do something u hate just 4 $? that would make me a sell out.
so i'm done.
no more.
it feels good.
the pair of shoes that i wrote that hole poem about...? i threw them away. right in2 the trash. symbolic in a way...

anyway...
i'm gonna be pretty much screwed w/ my parents pretty soon. they're ok 4 the moment w/ me being late 2nite, but once i confess being late (i got home @ 4:30 am), i'm screwed...
altho they did give me a huge talking 2 about responsibility & such. so much stress they put on me... (talking like yoda i am...) i've gotta figure out this college thing... idk wut 2 do... i have a feeling i'm gonna end up going 2 unr just bcuz i miss the deadlines on everything else bcuz i have absolutely no clue wut i'm doing. & then chelsea will end up going somewhere out east bcuz she won't no wut she's doing either... idk if i can take another 4 years of her being 3000 miles away. i mean, tennis is finally over, so maybe i'll be able 2 actually talk 2 her more often now... but there's really no guarentee... i've got a job now... & i'll probably be babysitting in between everything as much as i can... & then there's just the basic homework & always being w/ other ppl & thus not being able 2 have a real conversation ever...
gah... it sux... idk how i got thru 1 year. it was a sucky year. & i no the only reason i got thru some of it was bcuz of her... but now i gotta take another 1 & possibly another 4 after that? especially since college will be even more hectic than this... & then wut? where r we gonna end up after college?
anyway... i digress... my parents... stress... impending & inevitable punishment...
i'm scared of her reaction... idk wut i'd do if she asked me 2... idk...
i just hope that somehow i'll be able 2 go 2 the costume parties this weekend... i really wanna go 2 those... even that seems like 2 much 2 hope 4...
sometimes i wish that my mom could just not be there when i'm talking 2 my dad. my mom jumps down my throat. my dad understands. he makes me wanna talk. she makes me wanna shut her out, get away quickly, & hide under my covers while crying & keeping the world of responsibility out.

sorry... depressing... i no...

anyway... 2morrow is poetry club. so i'll have a poem 2 put on here 2morrow. altho i think the 1 i'm gonna read 2morrow is gonna be my untitled 1. (hint hint: i need a title 4 it. gimme feedback!)

the costume party we had @ my house this weekend was fun. i had a lot of fun. it was just the right amount of ppl.
& 4 the most part it was just the right ppl themselves... there were a couple of ppl who i would've really liked 2 have there, but who couldn't come (or wouldn't)... but the ppl who were there were wonderful. : ) 1 particular person i was especially glad was there, even tho i'd just seen him the night b4... *sigh*
i wish there were no such things as good byes...
(hi, mike, if u're reading this! i ♥ u!)
he actually ended up winning the prize 4 best costume. he was 2 face, from the batman comics. it looked way cool! i liked it a lot. tee hee...
kt & i had our make-up done by mac b4 the party. pretty sure it looked amazing. i kinda wanna do it 4 all my other parties i'm going 2 now... but i think they'd catch on... lol...
but seriously, we walked outta macy's feeling like SUCH rock stars!


k... so i think i've written more than enough by now.
i must go & shower, get ready 4 bed, & be plagued by guilt over not doing the huge mound of hw awaiting me... & then i can sleep... ahhh... sweet, sweet sleep... -__-

mood: stressed & tired... bad combo

sorry i missed yesterday's poem of the week... i did have 1, i just didn't end up getting on lj... my bad. lol...
but yeah, so i've got it here 2day.
it's about tennis... & it's a little depressing... so sorry about that. but i did give u fair warning...
also, i still need a title 4 that other 1 i put in here. the 1 from 9/10... the subject is "Poetry Day!"
so when (not if) u comment on this, tell me wut u think of this 1 & help me out w/ a name 4 the other 1...
that goes 4 every1 who reads this! i want comments.

WHOLE
I have a hole
A hole in my shoe
A hole in my life
It's hard to do,
To live with this hole
Through all this strife.
I'm off-balance
Every step I take
The gaping hole in my shoe
Makes it hard to stay straight.
I have a hole
And I can't turn a blind eye
To that gap in my soul
I know if I do
It would just grow
My shoe would fall apart
And along with it,
My heart,
Can't ignore it
So I have to mend it
Clogged with no meaning
Have to clean it out
And now it's seeming
To grow with doubt
But I know
That once it's gone
Though I'm now used to the hole,
Without it, my life will go on.
I'll get rid of the gap
Almost hidden in my soul.
Finally then,
I will be whole.

mood: poetic